hellbound.

sometimes i really think i should have tried harder to do it.
all i have left now are nasty, daily reminders of a time i'd much rather forget.
i'm surely going to hell, after everything that's happened.
i almost told somebody, for the very first time. i didn't. probably a good thing.

i need to do something to help myself.
i thought that i finally grew out of it, but look at me now...
i'm 26, and i'm writing the same things i've been feeling since i was 16.
nothing's changed; i'm always ending up at the same destination, i just take different roads to get there.

female trouble.

because we must.

everything is great.
the end.

every shitty thing.

so the band recorded some yesterday.
first it was just gio and i recording some guitar and synth stuff.
later on kristan came by, did some guitar stuff, and i did my vocals.
i was really really drunk.
since i've started drinking, i haven't really had any "bad" experiences. no drunken depression. no fights. i'm a pretty happy guy most of the time, drunken time included.
last night though, let me tell you.
it was the perfect combination of the sad bastard song i was singing, and my emotional state as of late. the song, it takes me back to a real bad place. when i wrote it, i figured it'd kind of help heal some wounds. maybe it will, but reliving it while i'm drunk, maybe not such a good idea.
and then with the things i've been hearing lately, and experiencing. ehh.
i had nightmares all god damned night. woke up sweating, not knowing whether my dreams were real or not.
it's shitty to start your day off like that, you know?
so...today i'm going to have to make a conscience effort to stay afloat.

good things are coming my way.
i start the job on monday.
paycheck's on the way, so i'll be able to start training again.
the band is finally getting off our asses and onto our feet.
meeting new friends every day.
i'm having fun, for the most part. just this last week has kind of thrown me for a loop.


everything's gonn' be alright.

paint a vulgar picture.

"...but you could have said no, if you wanted to. you could have walked away, couldn't you..?"

murder city riot.

i'm home, finally.
this is a quick run-through of my last few days.
tuesday: drive to oakland to get a tattoo from nick. car starts smoking. i put oil in it. get tattoo. go to hang out with jessica rush. car starts smoking even more. stop at a chevron for an oil change, but they're gone. call my brother who's a mechanic, he tells me not to drive it. call big ed to tow it for me to sf. catch bart to pleasanton, have my parents come pick me up.
wednesday: sit here doing nothing all god damned day.
thursday: have kristan drive me to bart. meet brittney in sf for mcd. see murder city devils, which was amazing. both get way too drunk. somehow manage to make it to sparkys. decide to drive back to modesto. arrive home around 3am.
friday: wake up, she drives me back to bart. i get into sf and pick up my car. call random friends in sf to try and hang out, since i was going to the show that night too. hang out with camille my black friend. drive to oakland to meet hanna and dbc and april. take bart from oakland to sf, get to the venue, go to the bar and start drinking. saw amanda, jackie, tahnee. watch the show. awesome. hanna faints. finish the show. jackie knocks down amanda, amanda cries.
i help amanda, and jackie tries fighting me.
yadda yadda yadda, i end up back in oakland at robin and hanna's house.
today: wake up, drive home, fall asleep on my couch watching desperate housewives of hell.

i'm leaving out so many important details, but i don't give a fuuuuuuuuuuuuck.